kaiba
by Nekura Kydo
Summary: What would happen if Kaiba was a womanizer and if he only cared about girls, how far he could get with them and the ocasional duel. well these jokes will tell you
1. parent teacher day

It's parent teacher day at a local school. The teacher of a kindergarten class had noticed there was something strange about her class, and she knew what it was. "Alright class, now I need your parents to all come in and see me alright?" the kind teacher asked.

"Yes miss Cunningham" the class all chimed at once. The bell rang and the kids all went home before the interviews. Around eight o'clock there was a knock on the class room door.

"Come in," the teacher called, ready to talk to the first parent. "Kaiba, what are you doing here?" she asked, just to make sure her instincts were correct since the beginning of the year.

"Well this is parent teacher day right, so I came to see how my kid was doing," he said, confident that his child was doing very well as he and the teacher were old friends.

"Which one Seto? They're all your kids," she said with a slight groan. Just look at this attendance sheet. She passed him the paper and he nearly had a heart attack.

"There's no way all these kids are mine!" he nearly yelled at her. "There's got to be some foreign exchange kids right?" he was so freaked out, that he just wanted to run from the room and hide.

"There are, a boy and a girl, twins" she said smiling at him. "They look just like their father, and they have your last name too, I've been telling you for years not to womanize Seto, you should have listened to me."

"Damn I knew I shouldn't have had that much fun with that foreign chick when I was on vacation," was all Seto managed to say.


	2. bad tea

One day, Yugi, Tea, and Mai were walking back from Tim Hortons when they heard sirens and saw an ambulance go by. They just passed it off as another old person about to be saved. When they got back to Joey's with the food they had just bought they noticed an ambulance in the drive way and Kaiba being dragged out on a stretcher. They all ran up to Joey demanding to know what happened.

"Well," Joey said "Serenity just told him she was pregnant and he had a heart attack."

"I knew this would happen," Tea said groaning.

A few days latter Kaiba woke up in the hospital with Tea sitting beside him. She smiled at him, thankful that he was ok.

"Tea, please tell me that it was all a bad dream, that Ren's not going to have my kid," he said weakly.

"Don't worry Seto," she said, smiling at him. "She's not going to have your kid."

"Whew, thank Ra," he said, with a sigh of relief.

"She's having twins!" She said, giggling, causing Kaiba to have another heart attack. The doctors all rushed in, trying to save Kaiba and telling her that she had to go.

"See ya around daddy," she said, waving over her shoulder.

"I'll get you for this Tea," he called weakly at her, waving his fist.


	3. kiddie kaiba

One day, upon the insistence of Mokuba, Kaiba and he were at the park. Mokuba decided to go on the swings and wanted his older brother to go on them too. Of course he protested, not only did he think that he was too old for the swings, but Joey and the others were there. Joey had taken the middle swing, so Mokuba and Kaiba had so separate. Joey was having a lot of fun and so was Mokuba, who noticed that Seto wasn't. So he decided that his older brother was going to enjoy himself.

"Common Seto, play, start to pump your legs and swing. Please, for me?" and he started to whimper like a little puppy, which as usual, made Seto cave in. Seto started to swing only to hear Joey say "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" after Kaiba got to a certain height, knowing full well the tall brunette could do nothing about him acting so childish.

"Grow up Wheeler," was all Kaiba said before his inner child took over, thus making Kaiba yell out "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" himself. Joey and the others all stopped dead and stared at Kaiba, as though he had just grown a second head.

"What, just cause I'm rich doesn't mean I can't have fun," he declared, then called out "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" again and started to have the time of his life.


	4. hights, eep

Soon after Kaiba had shouted "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" on the swings, him and the others went to the park at night. It was around nine pm so there was no one really around. They all wanted to play on the swings but there was only one that was alright to play one. The other had been tangled. Immediately Serenity ran for the good swing wail Tea, Joey, Kaiba and Yami stood around thinking of what to do. All of a sudden Yami shimmied up one of the poles holding up the swings and attempted to untangle it. Sadly, Yami failed to do so. Joey attempted the same this, and he also failed. Tea just stood there cheering on her friends, hoping they could manage. Sadly, the boys failed. Then Kaiba tried, performing the same move as the others but wrapping his legs around the top bar. He moved out some, so he could reach the swing, then looked down. Then he realised something dreadful.

"Um guys, I just remembered, I'm afraid of heights, and I just looked down," he said with a bit of a whimper.

"Kaiba!" was all the gang could say, groaning. Needless to say, it took some coaxing to get him down, and they never did retrieve the swing.


	5. tito retreato

One day, a very drunk Seto Kaiba decided to be a jerk and throw pennies off the CN Tower. He missed everyone at first, thankfully. Then he decided to yell out "this is for you Wheeler" and when he dropped the penny, it hit Serenity in the head, killing her. Joey dropped to his knees cradling her in his arms crying. Then Kaiba somehow stumbled his way out to see her.

"Oh my Ra! hick what the hell happened to her Wheeler? hick" Kaiba said, with a beer bottle in his hand.

"Someone dropped a penny off the tower and it hit her. She's dead," Joey said through tears.

"I see," Kaiba said, with a slight bit of remorse. "Gotta go," and with that he ran to his limo and dove in the back seat.

"Drive!" he ordered. "I said hick drive damn it" he yelled to the front of the limo, but still not moving. "Remind me to fire that driver of mine will ya," he said to his little brother who happened to be sitting in the back seat.

"Um, Seto, you drove yourself, remember?" Mokuba said. "And I don't think you're in the shape to drive right now."

"Well then you drive," he said, slurring his words.

"But Seto, I'm just a kid, I cant drive," he protested.

"Drive damn it" he yelled, throwing the beer bottle at Mokuba, just missing him.

"Alright alright, but if we get arrested it's not my fault," he grumbled, taking the drivers seat, and starting the car. Mokuba managed to get them home safely, and drove perfectly, then helped his brother get to bed.

The next morning Seto awoke with a very bad hangover. He went into the living room where his brother was watching the news. He looked at the TV and felt like he was going to throw up. There was a picture of Serenity and a report on her death. It seemed that the murderer was a teenager with brown hair and that was very drunk. He had been caught on film by a passing news helicopter, but unfortunately his face was hidden. Kaiba rubbed the back of his head and sat down, wishing the throbbing would go away.

"How did we get home last night, anyway?" he asked, forgetting everything he had done.

"I drove, you made me. It wasn't that hard considering all the times I've had to drive Yugi to the hospital because of you beating him up wail your drunk big bro," the little pre teen said.

"Crap," was all that Seto could say as the previous day came flooding back to him.

"Hey Mokuba, what do you say to a trip to Mexico until this whole Serenity's death thing blows over," he asked, hoping his little brother would say ok.

"Sure," he said excitedly.

"Alright, cool. But wail were down there you have to call me Tito, ok?"

"Sure but why?" he asked Seto, confused.

"Because Tito is about to retreato," he said, running upstairs to pack his things.

Mokuba just shrugged his shoulders. "Here we go again."


	6. darth kaiba

_This is all a joke set to Star Wars episode III_

Darth Kaiba had just gotten done killing another group of innocent people and was on his way back to the Death Star when he noticed he was getting a ticket.

"What are you doing?" Darth Kaiba asked the space cop.

"I'm giving you a ticket, sir, you can't park here." the officer said casually.

"Do you know who I am?" DK asked, very annoyed.

"No sir, and frankly I don't care. I'm doing my job and there's nothing you can do."

"I am Darth Kaiba and you will not give me a ticket" he said, waving his hand, trying to control the officer's mind, but failing. He realised that it must be the helmet preventing this.

"Never heard of ya," he said, clearly not caring.

"I killed all of the Jedi,"

"Sure you did,"

"I did, and I will rule this universe soon,"

"Anyway," the officer said rolling his eyes.

"This is the Death Star, and it will be complete in a matter of years, it is the greatest weapon ever," he said, rather frustrated. "You will die for your impudence."

"I'm sure I will sir, but you are still getting the ticket, no matter what," the officer said, clearly not caring what Darth Kaiba had to say.

Darth Kaiba threw his arms out and called out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"


	7. kitchen troubles

One evening, Seto Kaiba, as usual, walked into the house drunk (when isn't he like this. You'd think Mokuba would have him in rehab or something by now). He walked in, and much to his displeasure, found an unhappy Serenity scolding him, again (does she ever stop yelling at him, not that he doesn't deserve it though).

After a few minutes of this, Kaiba, rather drunkenly, stumbled past her, saying something about being hungry, and headed to the pantry to grad a bag of cookies. On the way to the pantry, he stopped dead in his tracks, dropping the half gone beer in his hands, causing it to smash on the floor.

Serenity heard this, and came running, asking what was wrong. Kaiba just looked straight ahead, then after a few minutes, he yelled "Oh My God! We Have A Kitchen!"


	8. Never Leave Them Alone

Ya I know, it's been a while, but I moved and have no net. Anyway, here's a new chapter, enjoy.

"Will you be quiet! I have to work in the morning, two jobs, and I need some sleep!" came the insistent and drunken yell from Joey's basement. Kaiba, Yami, Ishisu and Joey all groaned at the yells coming from Joey's mother.

"Common guys, let's go sit upstairs or something," Joey suggested. The friends all nodded in reply and stood to go upstairs to Joey's bedroom. Kaiba led the way, and they all sat in a semi circle on the bedroom floor and just started talking about random things. Soon after Ishisu, bored, started poking Seto in the ribs.

"What the hell?" he asked, wondering why she was doing so. "I'm bored," was her simple response. "Alright then, if you insist on doing that, then a little lower and a little softer," he said slyly, adding a wink.

"No!" she practically yelled at him, and started to poke him again. The foursome continued talking as though there had been no interruptions when Seto said screw it and started poking back, causing Ishisu to grin and poke harder. Soon after they had started flirting. Joey seemed to insist that they start making out, and at that, Yami left the room, saying he needed fresh air. Ishisu, her orb like eyes shimmering with tears, pouted, and wished her friend had not left. She suddenly became worried about Yami, and stopped her little game with Seto, but not for long. A mere five minutes latter they had started back up again, causing Joey to leave with a sly look on his face.

"Well it's down to us," chirped Ishisu happily, glad that the hot room would soon cool down. "What do you want to do?" "A little lower and a little softer," was all Kaiba said before grabbing the back of her head gently and kissed her. She broke the kiss and blushed, only to be kissed again. She gently began slipping her hand up Kaiba's leg, but before getting to far, she stopped and suddenly said she was going to look for Yami, as she was worried about him. With a protest, Kaiba tried to get her to sit back down, but stood up himself.

"Sorry, but no, and besides, this is why I keep saying we should never be left along together." With that she left the room in search of her friend, who happened to be sitting downstairs on the couch. Joey looked at the two as they descended the carpeted stairs, and asked what they had been up to. "Shut it," was Ishisu's response. She smiled, saying it was time to leave, and gave her friends a quick hug on her way out the door, still smiling. "By the way, no one leave Seto and I alone in a room together ok, things could have gotten very sweaty," she said over her shoulder, smiling to herself. "Ya, she's right. And to think, I wasn't even drunk!"


End file.
